T
he other day someone was telling me about schema’s. As we talked I thought this was an amazing concept that more people should be aware of.Everyone has schema’s, but I feel few people are probably even aware of it. Your schema is how you see the world. It is based on your upbringing, past experiences and culture, and it forms your beliefs and how you interact/see the world.
As I was hearing about it, I thought to myself; how is this not something we learn about growing up. It is the crux of who we are and can help us decide or choose if we are happy with our schema’s and whether we want to change them.
There are several different parts that need to be looked at when looking at schema’s. There is the inner child (child mode), the inner parent (parent mode), our coping mechanisms and the healthy adult. Each of these areas or modes will come into effect during different times, and will generally be activated when we are placed in to a situation that triggers that mode based on a previous experience.
As I listened, I was fascinated to hear that we can in fact learn about our modes or triggers and that there is a way to change to minimise the impact of our schema’s when they happen. I thought this was incredible, as there have been times that my modes have been triggered and have lead me down a destructive path having a massive impact on my life; even when it was not wanted or welcome.
Each mode has several different sub-types, which can vary from person to person; but there are some common types among most people. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and if this is something that you would like to consider; l would definitely suggest looking into it further.
(I should probably mention at this time, I am not a psychologist or therapist; this is based on what I’ve read and my own experiences. If you would like to know more, there are thousands of books out there on this topic, and a psychologist or therapist can also help explore this further.)
Child Modes
Vulnerable Child – This can include several different sub groups including, lonely child, abandoned child, worthless, lonely and dependent child (there are dozens of other categories). If you think about a child, this child is lonely, scared and has a feeling of worthlessness.
Angry Child – as the name suggests this mode is when the inner child is continually angry or enraged, but it also includes the impulsive child and undisciplined child. Imagine the child that you see out and about that is having any absolute fit, they are kicking and screaming because they want an ice cream and their parent won’t give them one. The angry child mode can be triggered by the vulnerable child mode, in a way to combat the feelings of the vulnerable child.
Contented Child – this child mode, is when your inner child feels loved, understood, worthwhile, nurtured, protect and fulfilled (just to name a few). This is the inner child that we would all like to aim for, as this child feels the freedom to be themselves without judgement or persecution. They are optimistic, spontaneous and adaptable to all situations; with the understanding that they are able to achieve anything.
The easiest way I find to think about child modes, is to think about a child. This mode is created during our upbringing and is defined by our childhood (from what I understand). Whether you have a happy or troubled childhood, we all have this mode. There are even child modes for children that come from happy homes, or parents that have been over bearing, controlling and/or helicopter parents.
For this section, the aim is to reach happy child mode. This is the mode where the inner child feels safe, happy and content with their life; and comfortable enough to be themselves and have fun.
Parent Modes
Punitive Parent – As the name suggests this parent mode is the internal voice that criticizes and punishes you when you do something wrong. This can manifest itself in self-loathing, self-criticism, self-denial and can get more destructive with self-mutilation, suicidal fantasies, and self-destructive behaviors.
Demanding Parent – This is the internal voice that pushes us to succeed and pressures you to go out, to be better, to be humble, to put other needs before your own and to stop wasting time. This can come with a feeling that you are not good enough, and that no matter what you do you just can’t get ahead. That feeling of just continually treading water or not being good enough.
As you read through this, you are probably thinking; crap this is me. We will all have these traits and will experience them at some stage in our lives. In small doses, these can be helpful and useful modes to have. Understanding these traits however can help us minimise the impacts of these modes and help us prevent them from overtaking or overruling our lives. With each of these traits there will be a healthy level, for instance there are times when the demanding parent might be able to push you forward, however it should be done in conjunction with the healthy adult.
Coping Modes
Just like with parent and child mode, there are several different coping modes. The coping modes will sit between the parent and the child modes and try and protect the child mode from the parent.
Compliant Surrender – this is when you withdraw and try to protect yourself from the world around you. Acting in a passive, subservient, submissive, reassurance-seeking or self-deprecating way which can lead to allowing yourself to be mistreated. Often you can look for or find ways to justify or things that feed into your modes, which only makes you withdraw further.
Detached Protector – As the name suggests this coping mode is about detaching yourself from the issue, in an effort to protect the inner child. Ignoring any pain or problems that you might experiencing, believing that things will just work themselves out. This can involve detaching yourself from people and rejecting their help. When in this mode you can feel withdrawn, distracted, disconnected, empty or bored. Which means you will search out activities that might help distract you, self-sooth or self-stimulate in a compulsive manner or to excess. You can even often adopt a cynical, aloof or pessimistic stance to avoid investing in people and activities.
Over compensater – This coping mode is when we feel or behave in a way that is aggressive, controlling, competitive, rebellious and/or condescending way. There are several different ways that we can act out with this coping mode, which unfortunately can be more destructive outlets or behaviors. This mode is generally triggered when there are unmet core needs, and we try to fill the void that has been left by that unmet need.
Healthy Adult Mode
This mode is where we would like to spend most of our time, and is the mode that helps us live fulfilling lives. Maintaining relationships, hobbies and successful careers. The healthy adult mode nurtures, validates and affirms the vulnerable child mode. It sets limits for the angry or impulsive child mode, and promotes and supports the healthy child mode. It combats and eventually replaces the coping modes that we have, to find a more stable and sustainable way of coping with events that happen in our lives. It finds ways to neutralize and moderate the parent modes, to help protect the healthy child mode.
The goal of the healthy adult mode is to help us perform adult functions such as; work, parenting, taking responsibility, and allow us to make commitments. It helps us purse pleasurable adult activities like; intimate relationships, intellectual stimulation, aesthetic and cultural interests; while maintaining our health and athletic activities.
There might be times when the healthy adult might use or show some behaves that are in line with the modes above, however it will be done in a controlled and manageable way that isn’t destructive to the individual or others.